


Loan Sharks

by Frostberry



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, my short fics and shit, theres a kakuzu x gai one in here, type type type
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-04-26 06:42:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14396475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frostberry/pseuds/Frostberry
Summary: Kisame and Kakuzu complain their partners are too affectionate, and Pein explains the Akatsuki Masterplan - aka my shitty Akatsuki drabbles go here.





	1. Burn a hole in my wallet

Rain Debenture had just opened it its second branch, in a small village on the border of the Hidden Rain, which was just as rainy and depressing as Ame. A paper angel with a bell in it tinked when the door was swung open.

Mad as fuck Hidan came through, crushing a paper crane that Konan had put for good luck which hanged from the ceiling. “Fuckwit,” he called, making a new customer look around nervously. Kakuzu looked up from his clipboard with a deadpan look on his face. Hidan took off his rebreather mask and threw it on the ground. “You’re such a cunt, you know that,” he ignored the customer who looked like they were about to get up and leave, but Kakuzu made a menacing look at the customer so he wouldn’t leave. “Here.” Hidan took out from his pocket some flowers. 

“For you. Happy Valentines Day.” He shoved them in Kakuzu’s face. 

“It’s the 2nd of February.” 

“Yeah I know. I’d forget otherwise.” 

Kakuzu stared at the wilted flowers, which had been crushed from Hidan obviously sitting on them. Kakuzu turned away from the confused customer and put the wilted mountain avens in his glass of water by his desk. Kisame came up to take the customer away, but that was when Itachi walked in, taking off his rebreather to talk. 

“I have flowers,” he said, picking up the paper crane Hidan had threw on the sparkling lino of Ame Debenture. He flattened it out and reattached it to its thin plastic cord dangling from the ceiling. Kisame blushed a little as Itachi handed him some blue roses. “To complement the colour of your skin.” 

“Racist bitch,” Hidan muttered under his breath. Kakuzu whacked him hard on the head. “Ow! That hurt.” 

“Actually,” said Itachi, as Kisame went to find a nice vase - which they didn’t have any, so opted for a jar instead, “Blue roses represent immortality and Mountain Avens grow in cold or rainy places. Maybe I should have given the Mountain Avens to Kisame…” Itachi’s red eyes trailed over to the glass of water on Kakuzu’s desk where the flowers dropped sadly. “...Never mind.” 

“Nobody cares, red eyes.” 

Both him and Hidan walked to the back of the new office, instead of helping Kakuzu and Kisame sort out their new workplace. 

“Hidan is too affectionate,” Kakuzu said, a rare occurance of him starting a conversation, “Even though he must have picked these off the streets.” His fingertips slightly touched the white flowers, which were still wet from the rain outside.  

“You think Hidan is too affectionate? Itachi  _ brought  _ me roses.” 

“Personally,” said Konan, coming up to them with two cups of sencha tea for her two employees from the back, “I believe Hidan brought the roses.”  

“How do you know this?” 

“Pein has eyes all over Rain Country,” she answered simply. “Hidan does not care about money and Itachi doesn’t know the difference between a sunflower and a daffodil.” 

“He’s too much,” said Kakuzu. “Spending money… what’s he going to do next?” 

“He might even  _ kiss  _ you.” said Konan. Kisame’s sharp teeth formed a grin as Kakuzu looked away, looking a bit pissed at the idea. 

“Kakuzu is being shy? What if he gives you ryo to kiss you?” 

Kakuzu ignored him. 

“We overheard your conversation,” said Itachi, his kind face not giving anything away as he stepped out of the back room, “Kisame, am I too affectionate?” 

There was a ‘YES’ shout from the back room from Hidan as he poked his head out. “Giving sharkdick roses is  _ very  _ affectionate. Just as affectionate as picking those weeds from the sidewalk.” 

  
  



	2. financial bullshit goes on in here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Akatsuki need several hundred thousand ryo to hitch off The Master Plan.

“What is the masterplan?” Hidan was just as annoying as Tobi, asking stupid questions during Jinchuuriki-extracting time. They were starting off with the Seven Tails, whom Kakuzu had subdued her within thirty seconds of fighting. Zetsu had taken the conscious body away and the other members were summoned to the cave. Not as cheery as she once was, she floated in mid air, as the chakra was extracted in a green glow of light into the sealing statue. 

“Why do you ask stupid questions?” Kakuzu’s voice bounced off the walls of the cave. 

“Why do you not say anything about this shitty organisation?” 

“Well,” said Pein, staring at the hologram of Hidan from his position of the thumb statue, “Our master plan is this. First off, Step one is the collection of Jinchuuriki - which we need money for. We used the money that Kakuzu finds for us, organising our members to do their missions - the missions most shinobi villages won’t touch. Iwagakure uses us in missions that they would not do if it disrupts the peace between the five major countries. For example, the Tsuchikage is a fan of sweets you can only find in Kumogakure. We go in, disguised as Cloud shinobi and take crates of it at a time, then put poison in the manufacturer's warehouse so the distribution is taken out of Kumogakure-” 

“Why the fuck is that something  _ we  _ need to do? Why aren’t we assassinating the Tsuchikage instead? He’s probably older than Kakuzu.”

“Hey, hey - Grandpa needs his Cloud sweets and he’s paying good money for them, yeah.” Deidara said, blue gray eyes narrowing over at Hidan, as if he wanted to argue. Then again, the main reason why most Akatsuki had never met each other was  _ because  _ they all thought they were top dog. Hidan included. “Orochimaru and Master Sasori have already taken down the Kazekages - I’m taking down the current one in a few months - we can’t just keep going after the Kage, yeah.” 

“So, Hidan, we also collect bounties for cash,” Pein continued. “On requirement, when Akatsuki is around certain areas, we go after bounties that are verified to be nearby and cash the corpses in at stations. So that is our step one, as the money we collect goes towards toll fees and travel allowances, into our expenditure budget, that helps us collect information on certain individuals and defeat the Jinchuriki's.” 

“Wouldn’t that be part of step two of your Master Plan?” Hidan mocked. 

Pein shook his head. “No, its part of step one.” 

“What’s step two?” 

There was a silence from Pein. 

“...What’s step three?” 

Pein cleared his throat. “Profit.” 

  
  
  
  



	3. Deidara goes to the dentist for free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deidara's hands have been sunk in molasses for the past few days.

The Land of Sugar was not exactly a place Deidara wanted to go again. It had a sub-tropical climate, full of cane fields which were cut down by scythes. The people of the Land of Sugar weren’t too happy with the current situation that was happening there, and reached out to the Akatsuki.

Someone was bringing in machines to do the cane sweeping for a lower price, and the people of the Land of Sugar did not want that, as it was a poor country and the civilians needed jobs. Long, tall sugar canes rustled in the hot sun, with plenty of snakes kept their shade by curling into snails underneath. 

All Deidara and Sasori they had to do was blow up the machines in the shed. Easy. 

But that was when Kakuzu managed to get a better bargain: Destroy the cane fields instead, courtesy of the Land of Teeth. 

The factory was sticky, black molasses sludge covering the walls when Deidara was done with it. A burnt sickly smell covered the air. It didn’t quite turn into a roaring fire. For the last explosion, Deidara used a small clay dragon, to finish off the machinery while Sasori went after the cane fields. A metal piece of machinery suddenly hit Deidara in the head, making him fall off his bird and sink into the molasses below. 

***

Deidara was in a lot of pain when he woke up. His hands had been sunk in the molasses for two days before Kakuzu and Hidan found him. He was in  _ pain _ . 

“Where’s Master Sasori?” 

“I dunno,” said Hidan. “He fucked off already to another mission. Assumed you were dead.  _ Very  _ caring.” 

Deidara felt a bit pissed that Sasori had not bothered to find him, but it didn’t matter now. He was in  _ pain _ . Kakuzu had managed to get him out using his water mask’s jutsu, and take him to a safe place, in the middle of a forest. 

“My hands have been sunk in pure sugar,” Deidara said to Kakuzu. “I need the dentist. My teeth are rotting.” 

“Rip them out with pliers,” was Hidan’s way of giving good advice. 

“Piss off, yeah,” said Deidara, as Kakuzu opened up a scroll and summoned his office, complete with a chair, a desk and many stacked papers. He thumbed through a folder, looking for a injury form. Deidara took the other chair while Hidan leered over him as if he was Kakuzu’s bodyguard.

It was very strange being at a desk in the middle of a forest. 

“It’s going to cost you.” 

“I’ll take it out of central funds, yeah.” 

“I am also a dentist,” said Kakuzu. “Medical shinobi don’t touch S-rank criminals.” 

“I can vouch for that,” said Hidan. “Check out my molars.” He opened his mouth wide, mercury fillings glinting in the sunlight. Deidara cringed. Hidan looked offended at Deidara’s facial expression. “Really, fuckface? You want to live a life of pain and no teeth?” 

“I’ve got my ultimate jutsu, I’ll be fine, yeah.” 

Kakuzu looked up from his calculator. “There is no way you can pay for any services for Dentistry around here. Not even the Land of Teeth are going to touch you.” 

Deidara huffed. “Fine.” 

It was then when Deidara had his palms facing up on the desk that he started to regret the decision when Kakuzu got out his very scary threads. “I need anesthetic before you even do anything - OW!” 

Hidan whacked Deidara over the head hard enough to knock him out. 

***

Deidara came around several hours later, the desk had gone and there was a campfire set up instead. A charcoal fish was cooking on top, burning and shrivelling away as Hidan seemed to be turning it. Deidara mumbled a few times, staring at the stars and got up. 

“You’re cured.” said Kakuzu, who still had his calculator out, “Saved thirty thousand ryo by being knocked out by Hidan.” 

“Umm… thanks.” 

Hidan pulled off the burnt-to-a-crisp fish and threw it in Deidara’s direction, charcoal splaying over the warm grass. “You should be grateful, you little shit.” 

Deidara looked at his teeth, which were shining in the light of the fire. They looked alright. They were not painful anymore. No stitching. Just fillings. 

“You’re shit at cooking fish, you need a clay oven.” said Deidara. “Got any more fish?” 

Hidan threw a freshly-dead fish in Deidara’s direction. “Here.” 

“Let me show you how to bake fish  _ properly _ .” 

At this, Deidara clapped his hands together to form signs for a jutsu. There was a clink and he roared in pain. 


	4. Love Hotel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hidan loses Kakuzu in a storm and meets Rock Lee. During this time, Kakuzu drinks too much sake with Gai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I wrote this in 2008, I’m just gonna post it here!

Hidan would not be here if bolts of lightning were striking everywhere; being in the middle of a storm just proved that.

Yes, it still hurts when you can't actually die from a lightning strike (if your name is Hidan) the Jashinist had taken refuged under a tin shelter, hoping Kakuzu knew where he was.

IF Kakuzu  _ was  _ around.

They somehow had gotten separated on their search for the Seven Tails, who must have taken a detour back to Taki from Suna. Kakuzu had pulled a vanishing act on him, and so... Hidan would of taken this opportunity to ditch his Akatsuki cloak and run off; forever.

Unfortunately for him, Pein and Konan would find him and he would get Death by Papercut. 

Unfortunately for him, Kakuzu had vanished.

Unfortunately for him, he was not alone in this shelter.

Unfortunately for him, it was a leaf ninja.

The shinobi band was tied around his waist in a rather peculiar manner, yet Hidan pretended the weirdo was not wearing what looked like a green spandex scuba diver suit.

A _ green spandex scuba diver suit. _ Minus the aqualung. And the snorkel. Flippers. Surfboard. Boat. Fish.

There wasn't sea for at least fifty miles, so why was this peculiar person dressed like this? Hidan had never seen anything like it before. It was all so strange and foreign. 

Hidan realised he'd just been staring for the last two minutes at this green beast. This green-wearer from Konoha was blinking at him back. 

“What the fuck are you staring at me for?” Hidan suddenly snapped.The rain pounded harder against the tin roof, making it hard for the shinobi to hear him. 

Those strange eyes blinked at Hidan again, his expression unreadable. Then-

“Forgive me, stranger! I am sorry!” Tears swimmed in this stranger's eyes and fell down his cheeks. He reached a bandaged hand to the Jashinist, in forgiveness. “I wasn't meaning to be rude!”

“Better not, or I'll kill you,” Hidan glared in return, hoping this creature would leave him alone while they were stuck together. Said creature was silent for some time, observing the world with its round eyes, then-

“I am Rock Lee!”

His pompous manner was so serious that Hidan fought back a cringe.

“Rock... Lee…” Hidan tested this word slowly, as if it was foreign. “What kind of fucking name is that?”

***

Lee wasn't taken aback by this man's personality. In fact, he must have been mesmerized. Lee then commented he had never seen such a man in his life. His eyes- oh so very large exorbitant eyes seemed to expand even more when he seemed to notice that Hidan was wearing a clock of red clouds, so he made up his mind that it was a uniform or something. The cloak also had one sleeve- (Hidan had to buy his own cloak now, because he went through more than all the other Akatsuki put together, which Kakuzu was not happy about) and though it was raining, Hidan was covered in dried blood and grime. Lee's eyes wandered down around the open scars and the pendant on the man's chest, then to his ninja headband, worn around his neck.

Three lines almost set diagonally onto the metal plate, a strike going through all three.

“You are hurt!” Lee finally exclaimed, thunder and lightning drowning out his voice. 

“Geez. Really,” said a sarcastic Hidan with a roll of his eyes.  _ Well, no shit, Sherlock _ .

“I'm sorry, but I don't know any medical ninjutsu! Gai-Sensei has a first aid kit, and when I find him again I will introduce him to you to him and he can heal you! I have some bandages right here…” Lee put a hand into his weapons pouch on the side of his waist and took out a few kunai, a notebook and finally a roll of new clothed bandages, not even out its wrapper yet. He unwrapped them and put the plastic wrapper back in his weapon pouch. “Remember, sir, never litter!” 

Lee made his way to Hidan and started to bind his hand; a particular deep cut etched itself on his skin. “These cuts look really bad!”

Hidan tried - and failed - to free himself from Lee's grip. Geez, he only just met this weirdo and he was onto him. NO. Hidan was not used to these sort of events happening to him.

“Who attacked you? Was it an enemy ninja?”

_ More like, I attacked them, fucking heathens. _

'You’re covered in blood!'

“...I am.” Hidan agreed.

“Why are you covered in blood!?”

“...I'm menstruating at the moment,” Hidan saw Lee give him a simple nod, but then hastily corrected himself by snapping, “I'm fine, what do you think!?” 

“No you aren't! You might die!” Lee's eyes were swimming as he brushed a bit of dried blood off Hidan which was not even his, “Gai-sensei says one of the first signs of injuring yourself is not knowing-”

“When this storm passes, I am fucking  _ leaving _ .”

“I don't think this storm will pass for a while,” said Lee seriously, applying a safety pin through a bandage on Hidan's upper arm. “That should stop the infection. The wound looked rather nasty.”

“Infection?' Hidan demanded, not quite believing that this shinobi did know know basic first aid, “You clean the wound, disinfect, AND then, you put the bandages on afterwards!' Hidan knocked Lee's hand and the safety pin he was holding out the way, and sat down, in the cold dirt.

“Well, it is raining, here, let me...” Lee gasped Hidan's wrist to force him back up again; he was surprising strong. Then again, he was a leaf ninja. “I will stand with you out here in the rain-”

Hidan's temper seemed to associate itself with a boiling kettle.

“No.” he said curtly, swinging his scythe quite near Lee's head. Lee dodged the scythe on reflex, he didn't even think twice about Hidan's failure of attacking him, and shrugged it off. Finally, he let Lee bandage up his wrist, in an attempt to get him to stop talking. Hidan sat back on the ground again, ignoring Lee's curious wondering stares and took out his bible.

“What is your name, anyway, sir?”

WHAT did he just call him? _ SIR _ !?

“Shut up, I'm reading.”

“I consider it impolite, could you please tell me. I did bandage you up for the goodness of our youth, I would really appreciate to know.”

Hidan looked up from his reading. Lee was giving him an intense and annoying stare.

He sighed and snapped his bible shut.

“My name is Hidan. H-I-D-A-N. Now stop fucking staring, it’s really getting on my nerves.”

“Hidan! What village are you from?”

“One of them.” Was Hidan's curt reply.

“I’m from the leaf village!” Lee tapped his red waistband. “It’s great!” he said, enthusiastically.

There was a pause as Lee must have expected Hidan to agree with him. 

“...Ok…”

“And we have the most powerful ninja in the world…” 

If Pein could hear this right now, he would have all twelve eyebrows raised and snickering.

“Including my sensei, Gai-”

Hidan opened his bible with such force that the leather book cover came off. It had been read so much anyway, that it was falling to pieces.

”He specializes in taijutsu-”

Some pages were covered in so much dirt and blood, that Hidan could not even read the print. Not that it mattered; he knew the words off by heart anyway.

“He is the best sensei in the world-”

Hidan opened to a random page, as he lost his bookmark some times ago.

_ THE LAW OF JASHIN _ , was the subheading. Chapter seven, page twenty nine.

He read through, ignoring Lee's ramblings about him and his sensei being split up in the midst of the terrible storm. 

  1. _Sacrificing animals, that is for hunting for food, in return you will have to set fire to yourself for thirty minutes AFTER the meat is eaten, therefore whatever animal if killed, also must be consumed._
  2. _Do not lose Jashin pendant._
  3. _Do not try or manage to kill anyone from the Jashin religion..._



Then, at the very bottom of page twenty nine, a note Hidan had usually misjudged as a footer. His eyes widened and he began to scream-

  1. _Every ten years, a Jashinist must become a friend of with someone not in the Jashin Religion..._



***

Kakuzu flickered one green eye open, to see the man whom he got drunk with - in bed- next to him- reading a book on Scuba Diving by the flickering candlelight. Judging by the scented rose petals that managed to find their way up Kakuzu's fluffy pillow, it was obvious both men had done something oh-so-very wrong after a "few rounds of sake".

And by the look of the room they were in, it was going to cost a lot to stay in.

“I think someone just screamed in the distance,” said Gai, not taking his eyes off his very interesting book. Kakuzu only agreed, prompting himself back to sleep.

***

It had been nine and a half years since Hidan had made a non-Jashin friend. Jashin didn't count. Kakuzu- the bastard- didn't count, because Kakuzu was an asshole who needed something shoved up his ass that wasn't made out of money- or the other Akatsuki members who were staunch Atheists, or fellow Jashinists- no, that won't work...

Those of Jashin knew what would happen if they did not go by the laws of the twisted cult-

_ Death. _

“Oh no! Did I put the bandages on too tight?” Lee gasped, thinking Hidan's horrifying scream was from the pain of his wounds.

Hidan was not well. Hidan was having a major panic attack-

Must. Not. Have. Temper. Tantrum- Hidan clutched his punctured heart and fainted upon the ground.

***

Hidan heard voices from a far distance, well, one voice. His head throbbed- just like the time his skull had been split in half. Twice. By Kakuzu.

Hi...dan...

Hidan-san...

Hi...dan...Hi...

'WHAT?' Hidan opened his eyes and bellowed. He blinked. Twice. He felt something wet on his forehead. A cold cloth. That Lee kid was still around. But where the fuck were they? “Ok. Where the fuck are we?”

Lee took the cloth from Hidan and placed it in a bowl full of water and squeezed it. “You wouldn't wake up! I had to do something! so I carried you to a motel nearby! I spent the money Gai-sensei gave me to get some food on our hearty training, but I spent it on getting us a room instead!”

“You... WHAT…”

“But this room looks like it is set up for Valentine's day... But it isn't February…” Lee sighed, and looked around the room.

Hidan did the same, getting up and stretching. The bed he was in (queen sized) was red with rose petals sprinkled on the cover, which was a pale blue. The room was spacious, painted pink with red flowers on the corners of the walls. Reaching out, he tapped the wall. Twice.

The walls were very thick. Even thicker than the average hotel. Then, it all clicked.

“YOU ASSHOLE! YOU PUT US IN A LOVE HOTEL!” Hidan panicked, jumping off the bed as if it had something diseased in it. 

“A what?”

“Haven't. YOU. Ever. Been. Outside. The Fire country!?”

“Yes.”

“This is where non-shinobi go and do their thing!”

“Their what?” 

“Conceive!”

“...You mean have kids? What does this do?” Lee looked left to see a row of purple buttons. Curiously, and ever so curiously, Lee pressed his finger onto one of the buttons. The lights all around suddenly dimmed. “...Ooh…”

“Turn them back on. Now.”

The lights turned back on. “What about this one?” Lee pressed the second button. A small whirring noise filled the room, and the bed started to rotate.

Hidan had never seen this phenomenon before, in all his years of travel. If Lord Jashin saw this right now, Hidan would be killed on the spot, as Jashin-love-hotels did not having rotating beds, they would in fact have knives and beds soaked in blood, afterwards accompanied by a steamy, strawberry scented shower. 'Where did you put my scythe?'

“The lady at the front desk wouldn't let me bring it here. It's downstairs, and your cloak is on that chair over there, so is that book you were reading.” Hidan moved over to where his belongings were. His shoes were by the white door, with Lee's shoes also and some training weights. The cloak, however, was too far damaged to try and put on again, until he got his hands on some threads and a needle, as Kakuzu's method of sewing clothes back together started to smell funny after a couple of weeks. Lee turned off the rotating bed. 

“Fun to jump on.” said Lee seriously.

“Tch.”

“What about this button, then?”

“Don't even dare.”

“That sounds like a threat.”

“I've been FUCKING threatening you since we met!” Hidan paled when the flashback of making a non-Jashin friend came back to his mind.

“You have?”

“What, you only just found out?”

“I guess.”

“For the love of Lord Jashin, you only just found out that I could kill you if I wanted to?”

“Many people have tried that before,” Lee brushed it off. “I've even had my leg and arm crushed.”

“Ouch. I've had my skull split in two.”

“That sounds nasty! Who did it?”

“Some asshole from the Waterfall village.”

“Did it hurt?”

“Of course it FUCKING hurt! You are really getting on my nerves, you little shit. I'm leaving.”

He kicked the door open, leaving a sad looking Lee behind. “Oh, and where's the front desk?” He didn't stop for an answer. He went down the stairs, totally ignoring a large thump from a room he past. And he thought the walls were quite thick...

About three flights down, he noticed that this kid was still following his footsteps, unable (or out of sheer kindness) to let the immortal out of his sight, in case he dropped dead from his injury. Hidan cast this acquaintance a sideways glance, seeing Lee's round eyes and determined face.

“Why, are you following me, damnit?” Hidan turned and rounded on Lee, “I have ninja and animals to sacrifice and kill, and in the meantime, find my fucking partner! I bet my ass he's sorting out finances…”

“So you and your partner are shinobi bankers?”

“He is. I'm not.” The two of them reached the lobby. A receptionist was busy writing forms out, failing to notice Hidan and Lee till they were directly in front of her. “My stuff is here.”

The woman looked up and beamed them a dazzling smile, showing sharp teeth. “Did you two have a good time? Are you checking out now?”

“Oh. It went absolutely great,” said a sarcastic Hidan, taking the clipboard from her and signed himself out with an unidentifiable scribble. “How long were we there for?”

“Five hours.”

“Five hours!? Lee, why didn't you say?”

Lee was busy writing his own signature. “My friend, you didn't ask!”

Hidan spluttered.

“What did you just call me?”

“Friend!” Lee gave a thumbs up and flashing smile.

Great.

Hidan groaned.

_ At least Lord Jashin won't punish you, _ came the snide voice in his head.

“ _ Fine, _ ” said Hidan, shock wearing off. “You can be my friend.”

Lee hugged him around the middle. Hidan restrained himself from pulling away from this spandex-wearing weirdo. He finally let go, and was humming to himself while he waited for his new friend Hidan to retrieve his scythe. 

***

But what Hidan didn't know- one of Lee's so very obsessive goals in life was to make a friend from every shinobi village. He would die a sad man if he did not fulfill this goal. And everyone knows that Lee did anything to achieve goals, even if it resulted in... 

_ Death _ .

***

Pein, being the all-high-and-mighty-i'm-stronger-than-all-of-you’all Akatsuki leader, summoned Kisame to Amegakure. 

“Mission, Kisame. I want you to see what Hidan and Kakuzu are up to. They have escaped my sight yet again. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Leader. Where would they be? Which country I mean?” Kisame questioned.

“Outskirts of Fire country. I want you to report back here within, one day. That is all. You may leave.”

***

If Kakuzu was here right now, he would uncharacteristically squeal in glee. Lee, well... was  _ totally loaded. _

Because of Kakuzu's obsession with money that associated itself with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, most days the pair went hungry, or Kakuzu ate without Hidan knowing, just to watch the immortal slowly try and die dramatically of hunger. The two friends stopped at an inn ‘on their adventure around the fire country’, not bumping into any shinobi, which Hidan was on the search for Kakuzu, Lee on search for his sensei, Gai.

What Hidan didn't bother telling his new friend was that he was a S-class criminal who had to be immediately caught, castrated and decapitated on sight. Hidan had been caught, many times, usually by relatives of ninja whom he'd sacrificed to Jashin, in the end, they pissed him off so much, he also killed them as well.

Hidan had been decapitated many times, and yes, it still hurt. But Hidan hadn't been castrated yet. He had a feeling that it would hurt more than getting his head chopped off.

A child, working at the inn, gave the two their food, chiming, “Have a nice day!” and scattered off. Lee at once tucked in, as he hadn't had a decent meal for days. Hidan, however, poked at his apple pie as if it was dangerous.

'What is it? It looks foreign.'

'Apple pie! It’s really tasty! And rare, too!'

“It looks... ugh. Where's my chopsticks?”

“In some non-shinobi lands, they don't use chopsticks. They use metal cutlery called knives and forks.”

“...never heard of them.” Hidan picked his whole pie up warily. It was steaming slightly, and he licked the side, testing it. It didn't taste like anything.

“You cut it in half first, there's apple inside.” Hidan reached for his scythe and sliced the pie without managing to spill its contents everywhere, and carefully took a bite.

“HOT! ITS FUCKING BURNING ME, GOD DAMMIT!”

***

“I have found the whereabouts of Hidan.”

“Great. What about Kakuzu?” asked Pein, tapping his fingers in annoyance.

Kisame shrugged. “That is a good point. It seems they have seperated  _ but  _ I have interesting information.” 

“Spill.” said Konan, looking at her fingernails.

“He is with a Konoha Jonin, a student of My Eternal Rival, Maito Gai.”

Pein snorted. “What?”

“Hidan has made... a friend.”

***

The other people in the inn were staring at Hidan and Lee. Hidan was red in the face, nearly dying, and Lee was thumping him on the back. Maybe a little too hard for comfort, because they had broken the table, and got kicked out.

Lee was in tears.

But nevertheless, he got over it quickly and paid for the repair bill. 

“Get over it, stop whinging,” Hidan tried to kick Lee in the shins but got his weights instead. “Say, have you ever heard of Jashin before?”

Lee looked up, looking like a cloud had rained on him.

“N-n-no. What is it?”

“It is, the best thing in the world. It is the way I live,” Hidan took out his bible.

'I'm not very religious-”

“Sit. The. Fuck. Down. I'm going to tell you about Jashin-sama now.”

“Is it like Jehovah's witnesses?' They come around Konoha sometimes.”

“Who the fuck are they?” Hidan opened his bible. “Jashin is, on the account…”

Lee was already asleep.

_ He guessed the kid wasn't religious _ , but Hidan didn't feel angry.

Lee was his friend, after all.

***

\- A week later-

Hidan and Lee managed to track down Gai and Kakuzu without destroying the world. One of Pein's Six Paths had approached them, congratulated Hidan by giving him a friendship card with everyone's congratulations on it, and asked Lee is he knew anything about something called a "Jinchuuriki" which Lee was only too happy to give information on, which he had gotten off an apprentices of the Hidden Leaf Hokage before hand.

Thanks to Kisame's directions, both shinobi found their acquaintances in the very hotel- and the very room- Lee and Hidan were in themselves a week before, which Kakuzu and Gai had been in the middle of love-making by candlelight. Hidan noted that this was even more disturbing than Deidara's porn stash, preceding to vomit, trip over and press a button by the bed, making the bed briefly rotate. Lee was writing down everything Gai was saying, and had been saying before Hidan broke down the door and made their unwanted presence known.

Once they departed, Lee and Gai with tears in their eyes, promising to write every so often, leaving for Konoha, where the Hokage would yell at them.

Kakuzu and Hidan found themselves back as S-class missing nins.

“You know, the kid wasn't so bed after all,” Hidan had said, watching the sun set. “Now Jashina-sama isn't going to kick my ass for it.”

Kakuzu didn't reply.

“Deaf too much, asshole? The Green Beast of Konoha didn't spank you too hard, did he?”

“No,” said Kakuzu, opening his wallet. “The bastard took all my fucking money.”

 


	5. The Akatsuki Sell Kumo's Secrets to the Tsuchikage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After burning down the Cloud Sweets distribution warehouse on the outskirts of Kumogakure, the Akatsuki was able to seal the sweets and top secret information of the famous food in several scrolls to give to the Tsuchikage.

After burning down the Cloud Sweets distribution warehouse on the outskirts of Kumogakure, the Akatsuki was able to seal the sweets and top secret information of the famous food in several scrolls to give to the Tsuchikage. Oonoki had specifically requested that the recipe was to be handed over to Iwagakure, at the Kage’s office at approximately 1:32am on Tuesday morning. 

“...The reason  _ why  _ is they need to be here instead is because Iwagakure buy more Cloud Sweets than those in Kumogakure! It makes me SICK.” shouted the Fourth Tsuchikage, who was partly deaf. Kakuzu presented to Oonoki the contract that would move the Cloud Sweets distribution to a factory outside of Iwa. “This would help our rising taxes - a 0.7% rise requested from the daimyo for this year! And create jobs! And…” 

“Old man, seriously, no wonder Deidara fucking left, you just won’t shut the fuck up,” Hidan interrupted, looking at his reflection in the Stone monument. “Just sign the fucking contract, and we’ll make like a tree, and leave ASAP.” 

“Yes, I agree, nobody wants to see the Akatsuki in any Kage headquarters…” Oonoki floated away to his desk to find his glasses, only to realise they were on his head. He took his time to read the contract, nodding away, until he saw the extra small imprint at the bottom. “What’s this? The Akatsuki get 36.7% of Cloud Sweets Shares?” 

“We can use Cloud Sweets outside of Iwa,” said Kakuzu. “We have our own plans for them.” 

“Kakuzu, I have known you for half a century, do you really think 36.7% is fair!?” 

Kakuzu glanced at the contract. “Take it, or leave it.” 

With a eagle quill, Oonoki signed the contract with a flourish of black ink. “Now give us the recipe and the items.” Kakuzu produced the scrolls for Oonoki, who put them in a sealed safe straight away on the opposite side of his office. He then floated back over towards his desk, getting out a briefcase. “Here is your money. Fresh from the Bank of Iwa.” 

Hidan made note never to tag along with Kakuzu ever again to Iwa, as both Oonoki and Kakuzu were literally the most boring people on earth. Oonoki attempted to talk to Kakuzu about the old days, which Kakuzu mostly resisted answering about. 

Hidan timed Kakuzu; it took him sixteen minutes and forty five seconds to count the cash twice, before leaving the Tsuchikage to his own devices. It was now 2.45am, and the village was quiet - so it was safe for them to be walking around without disguising themselves as Iwa shinobi. 

“What the fuck are in these sweets for Iwa people to go crazy about?” Hidan asked Kakuzu when Kakuzu got to the ATM down the main street to deposit the cash into a secure Ame bank account. “I swear that old man’s eyes went large everyone he had one, he must have had fifty during that meeting, it was like he was on Cloud Nine, man, who the fuck does that…” 

“Oonoki does,” grunted Kakuzu, taking another pile of ryo notes to deposit into the ATM. He put the notes in the machine, and then rummaged around in his pocket. “Here.” 

Hidan couldn’t see very well in the dark, but he recognised the dark purple wrapping in the golden foil. “Eh… don’t like sweets.” 

“Cloud Sweets are made by combining chakra pills with sugar,” said Kakuzu. “It’s the oldest trick in the book to get stubborn kid ninjas to replenish their chakra systems. They say you can fight for three days and three nights with only eating Cloud Sweets… then you’ll die of diabetes.” 

“Well, when I get bored I feel my chakra system fading… so I’m pretty low right now.” Hidan unwrapped it and put the sweet in his mouth, and dropped the wrapper on the floor. “Tastes like any other sweet, boring.” 

“Wait for it,” said Kakuzu softly. He stared at Hidan for several seconds, instead of turning back to the ATM to deposit the rest of the money. “There’s a reason for the Tsuchikage to be eating those sweets constantly. Have you noticed he’s always floating?” 

“What the fuck does that have to do with-” Hidan started, until he felt his feet float off the ground. “Huh? WHAT THE FUCK? KAKUZU!” About a metre up, he tried air-swimming back down, but he kept going higher and higher. Around a few metres above Kakuzu, that was when he gave him the explanation to the sudden levitation. 

“They’re called Cloud Sweets cause they get you high.” 


	6. Naruto Shippuden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pain gains some interesting information about Konoha’s Jinchuuriki.

Pain gains some interesting information about Konoha’s Jinchuuriki. 

 

“...From our last source, Konoha’s Jinchuuriki was a woman with bright red hair, of the Uzumaki clan,” said Pain during the Akatsuki’s annual meeting in a cave outside of Ame. “But according to our new notes - she was replaced by a blond boy named Naruto Shippuden, twelve years ago-” 

“Leader,” began Itachi, interrupting his speech about new information on the nine Jinchuuriki that inhabited the world, “I’m not sure if-” 

“Itachi,” said Pain, “I have not finished yet. My sources are absolutely clear and have been accurate about the Jinchuuriki. However, we may have to seal him first - the sealing statute may need a lot of power to be able to kickstart the process of extracting the tailed beasts. Hidan and Kakuzu will go and pay a visit in Konoha to see him.” 

“Why us?” Hidan complained. “I’ve never been to fucking Konoha. I wouldn’t even know where it was on a map.” 

“You were a Jounin, Hidan, were you not? The Chunin exams are mainly held in Konoha, you would have been at least once.” 

“No,” said Hidan, “The Hidden Steam Village has a lottery style system in picking Chunin.” 

“No wonder you’re shit at geography,” said Kakuzu, and Hidan reached out to punch him. Before a fight could break out, Pain held out a hand to break it with a wind jutsu. 

“Naruto Shippuden is capable of the Rasengan, which means he is very dangerous and Hidan will be able to survive the jutsu at close range. He’s a wind type user - which is obvious as ‘Shippuden’ means hurricane. Considering he is only twelve, he should be the easiest out of the nine beasts to extract and capture.” 

“Leader,” Itachi tried again. “I believe I should be the one to go and get Naruto.” 

“You are wanted in the Village Hidden in the Leaves for slaughtering your clan,” said Pain, turning towards Itachi with slightly confused look on his face. “Why would you want to go back there?” 

“Because,” Itachi pointed out, “If you look for a Naruto Shippuden, you will get many confused faces, and nobody will tell you who he is.” 

“Why not?” 

“His actual name is Naruto Uzumaki, the Fourth Hokage’s son. His mother, an Uzumaki, was the previous Kyuubi.” 

“Well,” said Pain. “I’ll be damned. I may as well be the one to go and get him.” 

“I may be shit at geography,” began Hidan. He pointed a finger at Pain. “But if you can’t even get the fucking name right of our target, then what is the point of you going to fucking Konoha?” 


	7. The Coffee Chakra Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The secret to the Six Paths of Pein are revealed.

“...So you're telling me that the magic ingredient in all these chakra rods is in fact, caffeine?” Obito examined the comatose Animal Path through the one hole in his mask.   
“Nagato is a very busy man,” said Konan. “He has to be the leader of Ame and the Akatsuki. He has to pretend Hanzo is alive and well for the rest of the five shinobi countries and be in constant contact with the daimyo. To use the Six Paths of Pein jutsu requires a large amount of chakra, focus and attention. Coffee gives you that focus and attention you need, particularly in the morning.”  
“Hmm,” said Obito, actually interested in what Konan had to say for once. Usually she was very quiet in meetings, agreeing with everything Pein said. Obito needed to know several of the Rinnegan’s secrets; as Madara did not leave enough information with him about it. “And these rods,” he pulled up the arm of the Animal Path to look more closely, “They are not warm. They are usually warm when the Paths are in battle.”  
“Currently Nagato is not using the rods,” said Konan. “He hasn’t had his morning coffee yet.”   
“And how does he make these rods?” Obito asked. Konan would surely know, as she was his closest associate.   
“Burnt branches of the coffee tree.” Konan supplied. “Polished and dipped in the finest black silver the Land of Metal has to offer. Then he stabs himself in the eye to combine the links of the rod to himself.”   
Obito had to remind himself that he couldn’t go straight to the Land of Metal now; it would make Konan suspicious. “Well, I must go,” he said, putting his gloves back on after weirdly touching the chakra rods of each of the Six Paths. “Deidara must be worried as to where I am.”   
“Knowing Deidara,” said Konan. “Most likely not.”   
With a wave, Obito disappeared in a swirl.   
“He’s forgotten I’m a trained barista,” the Deva Path, who was pretending to be asleep in his pod, opened his purple eyes and glanced over at Konan. “What an idiot.”   
“I hope he stabs himself to death,” said Konan. “I hope that happens.”   
“Hmm,” said the Deva Path. “Hopefully, Obito will now die of caffeine posioning.”


	8. A Duck Walked Up To The Lemonade Stand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its summer and so a lemonade stand is needed to get money out of the children.

 

“It’s summer. The Akatsuki Summer vacation is coming up,” said Pain. “Last year, we had a ramen restaurant by the seaside so we could gather funds for our next vacation. Now, we are banned from running premises like this at the moment in the Land of Water. Because, as you all know, we are a criminal organisation and most of us have behead on sight orders in the bingo books.” 

“Except for me,” said Hidan. “You have to blow the head up, too.” 

Pain agreed silently with him. “Yes. Now, because we are banned from running premises that serve food - we are still able to serve drinks. So we have a mission from a small seaside village. Serve lemonade. Kill the mayor. Easy. It’s not a ninja village, but we can’t go in flaunting our Akatsuki robes either. We need two  _ normal _ looking civilians to be lemonade stand holders, so Kisame, Kakuzu, Sasori and Zetsu - you’re out. No offense. Konan and I are busy, so we are out. That leaves Itachi, Deidara and Hidan to be the lemonade stand holders.” 

“I’m blind.” said Itachi. 

“Well,” said Pain, “Then it’s our two youngest members time then to act like normal people instead of two…” he tried to think of words that politely described two psychopaths. He couldn’t, so he just made them all leave. 

***

“I can’t believe I am paired up with you to do this shit,”  Hidan grumbled at Deidara. Konan found some summer swim wear somewhere in Amegakure, which nobody went to for tourism purposes even though there was more water there than anywhere else. “I look fucking stupid.” He looked down at his bright orange board shorts. 

“You  _ are  _ fucking stupid,” said Deidara. “Should have worn that green mankini Konan offered.” 

“Fuck you,” said Hidan. “At least I would have looked great in it.”

Children came up to the stand, asking for paper cups of lemonade, that cost five ryo each from the parents who no doubt supplied the coins. They were on a stony path opposite the seaside, where it was warm and sunny, and pink beach balls were thrown around and floating in the ocean. It looked like fat people bobbing in between the waves. 

Hidan was the  _ worst  _ person to be sharing a lemonade stand with. No wonder he had been thrown out of his own village. He whinged, complained, stared too many women’s breasts as they walked past in bikinis and made stupid comments in hearing shot of the children. 

“This is better lemonade than the other lemonade stand,” a particularly fat kid said, after what seemed to be the hundredth cup Deidara poured that day. “I like to try them all.” 

“Hang on, what the fuck?” Hidan glanced up from a magazine he had found in the trash that he was reading. “There’s  _ another  _ lemonade stand?” 

Hidan stomped up to the offending stand which was only a few hundred metres away. They hadn’t noticed  _ at all _ . 

Recognising the glare of his partner, Kakuzu, Zetsu, Kisame and Sasori were there, in their  _ Akatsuki robes,  _ selling lemonade for ten ryo. 

“You sons of bitches,” said Hidan to Kakuzu, looking at the line of children. Kakuzu glared back from under his mask. “Stealing our money. Why are you doing this shit? Haven’t you got anything better to do!? Is it because Pain said you were freaks?” 

“Ten ryo.” Kakuzu shoved a cup of lemonade in front of him. 

“Fuck you.” Hidan did an up yours to Kakuzu, Zetsu, Kisame and Sasori, and stalked back to his own lemonade stand. 

“I can’t believe it,” Hidan sat down and put the cup of lemonade on the stall. “Those bitches are making a fuckload more money than us.” 

Deidara turned from his latest customer and took a sip of Kakuzu’s drink. “Ooh. Mmm.” 

“What?” Hidan snapped. 

Deidara handed the cup to Hidan. “They’ve got store bought lemonade.” 

“What the fuck do we have then?” 

Deidara glared at the cups. “Konan gave us lemon water.” 

“Fuck that,” said Hidan loudly, but then Deidara started to shush him, nudging him in the ribs. Hidan stopped complaining to see the mayor approach, the one they were told to poison. Now, Hidan didn’t have any poison on him - he was just told to turn up and grudgingly sell lemonade. Mr Ahiru was a large man, like Kakuzu, but without the ugly mask and had a nice smile on his face. Hidan saw Deidara put something in his cup before handing it to him. “Five ryo, yeah.” 

But before Mr. Ahiru could even take a sip, Hidan had leapt over the table as fast as a ninja can, and before Deidara could stop him, Hidan had grabbed a half lemon and started squeezing it, ignoring the shrieking sounds coming from the mayor. 

“When life gives you lemons you squeeze that shit into their eyeballs.” 

 


End file.
